Pick Your Head Off The Floor Come Up Screaming Right After Everything You Ever Might Have Wanted!!

The title of this post, taken from a most glorious song entitled "In a Big Country" by Big Country perfectly illustrates my new attitude and lease on life. It's been months since my last post..it's funny how working actually diminishes the need to gripe on the Internet. I did indeed go and visit University of Arizona back in September, it was the best thing I could have done for myself, but not for the reason you might think. After being quite at peace and content with the idea of sticking around here for grad school I began the typical course of action for all applicants. I dug around the website, figured that even though the school doesn't offer exactly what I wanted I could make it work. "It" being Geography and I would have been able to choose an international scope to go along with it. Plus I was going for a PC fellowship which would have amounted to a full scholarship. So in lieu of any other options I was happy with this and was ready to do what I needed to do. I wasn't considering any other schools, I was highly confident...and nascent to the process. So then comes September 10, visit day. My parents ferried me all the way down to Tucson so I could meet with the Peace Corps Fellowship director, just to chat and get a sense of the place, plus of course to ram it home that I was serious.

So on the way down there, the drive was pleasant enough for most of the way until we hit downtown Tucson where the traffic was just crawling at a snail's pace for miles, which was made completely unbearable by a red traffic light at every single block. Once we waded through that nightmare we approached the campus, a simple gaggle of buildings along city blocks. This being my first hint of academia in almost 3 years I was struck by how comfortable it all was, the sight of a diverse group of students milling around or darting to and fro. I missed it, missed academia. I went straight away to the director's office. There she was, so typical, a graying 50-something in a sun dress and earth toned sandals clacking away on a keyboard in an office overflowing with papers, books, and posters of Latin American locations, no doubt reminiscent of the charming village where she spent her Peace Corps service decades ago. It was an informal chat, just what it should have been. I gathered she got a decent sense of me since she encouraged me to apply. Immediately following the meeting, which lasted I guess 45 minutes, I was quite satisfied and felt uplifted. Like I had made contact with someone on the inside of the graduate school realm, someone who could afford me the next stage in my life.

Now, upon reuniting with my parents I of course began to regurgitate the exchange. What I distinctly remember sharing more clearly than anything else though, was what she said about the idea of only applying to one school. What I didn't realize at the time was how profound that one bit of the exchange really was. As time allowed me to really absorb what she said and how she said it, my confidence in my plan started to crumble. What I had decided right away was that she was right, I should apply to more than one school. So being that there is absolutely nothing else in the state of Arizona I felt I had no choice but to look elsewhere. My logic went something like this...if I have to go out of state and also pay for grad school (because there aren't any other fellowships that would apply to me and my interests) I might as well at least go where I really want to go to do what I really want to do. The "where" being George Washington University and the "what" being International Development. Ah, and upon divulging further the details of the exchange it is clear that my logic is quite sound and cogent. She also said the one thing that could and did chip away at the confidence I had going in, "some Peace Corps volunteers don't even make it into the Geography program." Hmmm, so you're telling me that there's a chance I wouldn't even get accepted into the school? Then we don't have to talk about the fellowship. Wow, where would I be if that happened? That question started to swirl ceaselessly around in my head. U of A happens to have one of the most sought after geography programs in the country and I not having any technical geography experience think I could just waltz right in and also snatch up a full scholarship? What was I thinking? Let's just entertain the idea for a moment that I did get into the geography program, but didn't get the fellowship. That would mean that I'd actually have to pay for a graduate program that I'd have to "make work." What if it's too technical, too math oriented, too much physical environment stuff? That's not what I'm into. I liked the idea of it, a sub section of geography is Human Geography, how the physical environment impacts human activity, which certainly has an international scope to it. But all of those "what-ifs" got me thinking, thinking furiously. Since the meeting I had decided I needed another school, there was no doubt about which one it should be. George Washington University, the International Development program in the heart of the most powerful city in the world. Oh yeah, that's the one. At that time, it was just a sort of "let's see what happens" kind of thing. Because let's face it, the difference in cost of regular tuition and living expenses between the two are tremendous and would have to be taken into account. Inevitably, what happened was that as I had gotten more serious about GW, between combing the website and getting the application requirements squared away, I had fallen completely in love with the idea of going there. I had it in my mind as a far off pipe dream, like I could never do it if I wasn't already out there or it was just too titanic of a move to make. So my focus was still U of A, it still felt on all levels much more attainable. But that focus began to dissipate quickly as the awesomeness of that school, program, and city became all to alluring. One of the suggested details to include in your goal statement for U of A was to be specific about academic and professional goals. I was aware of that since the beginning, that I should be thinking about those things. But really the fact of the matter was that I had no idea what my academic goals for a Master's degree in Geography were, I didn't really know what I wanted to research. I wasn't well enough versed in that subject to say with any definition what path I would have chosen. There were so many concentrations and sub sections listed on the website, many of them were interesting, but I didn't know what I could do with a concentration in "Globalization." My professional goals were the same as they are now, to go into International Development, which I could talk about, but I had nothing to say about Geography itself. I didn't actually want to study water politics or mountain ranges and how climate impacts this or that village. That's not to say that there aren't some really big international happenings associated with straight up geography, it's fascinating and important, really it is. But I don't want another degree where I could go into a broad range of fields, if I'm going to spend 2 years and a crap load of money on a Master's I better know exactly what I can do with it upon completion, it should be focused and specific. But as the days went on since the meeting I had gone to in order to solidify my confidence and choices, the doubt was growing. But here's the thing, it wasn't scary doubt, it was the kind where you start to realize that if you don't go after everything you ever might have wanted then when are you ever going to do it? What's the harm in at least giving it a go? If it all comes crumbling down around you there's always something you can do to make a change. If I stay here in AZ and trudge through something I could potentially dislike then what? I'd just continue to feel trapped and stuck and as usual like I'm not doing what I really should be doing, I can't do that anymore! I can't stay here in AZ, I wasn't that impressed with the campus, Tuscon is congested and too close to Mexico, I don't want to do an internship in some impoverished drug lord infested neighborhood. If and when I do something dangerous like that it'll be something in which I have a vested interest and deem worthy of the risk.

As the idea of an enormously expensive and scary move across country by myself evolved into excitement and absolute certainty, I dove in head first into the dream. There was no murkiness of "what if I don't like it?" or "what if I never make it out to DC and I just end up stuck here?" It was a decision that was clear, lucid, and right. I was applying to and heading for life as a grad student in DC and that was that. I mean I spent 95% of my life in New Jersey, I belong on the East Coast. I've been in AZ a year now and still have absolutely no attachment whatsoever. My parents are here so obviously I'll be back, but only as a visitor. Then I had to tell my parents that I wouldn't even bother with U of A, why should I? Too much effort into that application anyway. It wasn't as bad as I thought, they were just like "alrighty." I think they get it. To this day my mother still injects the occasional "why can't you just stay here and do something else?" question in an annoyingly sincere and ingenuous fashion. "No Mom, I'm out." So long as one of the 3 schools I'm applying to accepts me, I'm out come Summer. GW is the dream, American University would be almost as good, George Mason is the back up. Either one of these schools is my ticket out of here.

I finally took the GRE 2 weeks ago after studying since July. It was a disaster of cataclysmic proportions. I was totally geared up, confident, hopeful, but cautiously optimistic as well. The night before I was browsing again the ETS website, the official site for the GRE and other such tests, making sure that I had everything I needed and had the best sense of what to expect. I registered back in September so one final trek through the website would be helpful..or so I thought. The section about what type of ID was required forcefully explained that the name you used to register online must match exactly the name on your primary form of ID that you present at the test center, without exception, you will NOT be permitted to take the test and forfeit the testing fee (of $160). That's right 160 dollars down the drain. So I checked my license again...my middle name is on my license....my middle name is not on the registration confirmation....OH...MY...GOD. My middle name is on my passport....my middle name is not on the registration confirmation....OH...MY...GOD...$160...studied for months...ALL GONE! I kept reading the ID section over and over, there it was..."must match exactly...or else." This absolutely sent me into a tailspin. I was looking forward to the test, ready to get to it, and this hits. HOW COULD I NOT USE MY MIDDLE NAME WHEN REGISTERING??? DIDN'T I CHECK MY LICENSE?? It was a two-fold shocker, again some moronically idiotic mistake that I made months ago is going to cost me big time, and is this really going to happen, am I really going to show up and be sent away? Imagining both of those things killed me. After my heart slowed down to a million beats a minute from a bazillion beats, I confessed to my parents what I had done and now facing. They were like.."what? that's not a big deal, you'll be fine, it's the first and last name that have to be exact." That didn't make me feel better, what did they know? Plus I was worried because my middle name is printed on my license but I didn't sign my middle name...to say that I took this worrying thing way too far, as in off a cliff, would be an understatement. I couldn't find anything other than a check book with only my first and last name, of course that's not an acceptable form of ID. I was in panic mode. We're talking about around 7pm the night before the 8am test. I was Googling all kinds phrases that included "ID name for GRE" and "forgot middle name while registering for GRE" in hopes of coming up with some hits from people who did the same heinously idiotic thing that I had done and survived to post it somewhere, anywhere, on the Internet. I found one on some message board from like 3 years ago, a reply from someone said they did it too and was fine, that only allayed my worry and panic slightly. I don't know why. These things tare me up, I beat myself up into a bloody pulp of worry and fixation. To me, it was as clear as day, the name on my ID did not match EXACTLY the name I registered with, I would be turned away like a stray dog in the rain. Not only was I NOT happily engaging in pre-test rituals, like relaxing the night before and getting lots of sleep, and preparing a fuel filled breakfast, but I was panicking and downtrodden. I couldn't stop turning this around in my head. "Maybe it'll be ok, I should just go to see what happens, I can't believe what a dolt I was, if I had just typed my middle name in to register I wouldn't be in this mess, I can't believe all of this preparing has come to this." Plus I got one of the few Saturday test dates available, otherwise I'd have to take a day off of work, which is something I wanted to avoid. Well, I decided to just go along like it was all OK, I went to bed but didn't fall asleep until about 12am, then woke up at exactly 3:45 and that was it. I couldn't get back to sleep, didn't stop thinking about the absurdity I had done to myself, heart racing, stomach turning...ceaselessly. Got up at 5:30, couldn't really stomach much. Left at 6:45 to get to the test center by 7:30. Running on basically adrenaline I just wandered in, said nothing about it, with bated breadth handed the lady my ID, she matched my name to the name on her list, gave me a paper to sign and told me to lock my stuff in a secure locker. The relief and glee that I felt propped me up long enough to get through the initial paper work and pre-test background information requirements. But by the time I started testing at around 8am, I was already dragging. I got through the writing section just fine, although I didn't yet get my score, but I think I sapped myself dry of focus and brain power before I even got to the verbal section. And since the relief that washed over me upon being admitted no problem had calmed my stomach churning and heart pounding, I realized I was hungry. Great, 2/3 of the test to go and I'm literally running on fumes. By the time I got to the math section, I was done, I had no ability to focus, oh I tried and as hard I attempted to pretend that I had all of this down I knew I was finished. I ran out of time and had to guess on a lot of them...too many. I had nothing left. I couldn't figure any of them out with any certainty, I knew I had studied that stuff and I just couldn't pull it off. When I had finished the test and going through all of the stages to finally get my score, my heart had begun racing again, in just moments I'd see what I had really done. My brain throbbed, clicking and clicking through different questions and "I agree to these terms and conditions" yada yada. "If you click 'yes' you will have no opportunity to cancel your scores, you will view them and they become official." Oh...my...god...here it goes. Click. There it was, the score. An astonishing defeat. I had never expected such a blow. How could that be? At this very moment I'm not even sure I want to type my score into this blog, that's how embarrassing it is...maybe in a few minutes. My heart sunk, "what now?" is all I kept asking myself...do I go on and enter the school addresses to have the scores sent as I had planned on all along? The score wasn't just below what I had hoped for, it was below any reasonable minimum score to be taken seriously. I had no grand aspirations, just a decent score is all I wanted. After a few minutes I had started the process of entering the school information, but I came to my senses and asked if I could just stop, the lady said yes, I stopped and left...wiped out.

I got on the cell phone and when my dad answered I said "well, I took the test obviously." He said, "what's the matter?" He knew. I told him how badly I did and how flabbergasted I was about it. I got in the car and strangely enough there was a small hint of relief, like I did it, not well, but I did it. Along the way home of course I was on auto-pilot while driving, which made me run a stop sign...thank god no cops were around and also that I didn't kill anyone. It took me a few minutes to realize that there was really only one thing to do...take it again. Time was on my side, that score (900, there I said it) is not indicative of what I can do and all of that effort I put in to it. Especially with a verbal score of 500, that's absurdly low for me...I don't care so much about the math part, I mean seriously I don't think relearning 4 years worth of high school math is an indicator of success in International Development. So anyway, I got home, less beat up than when I had left the test center and with a sense of slight renewal registered for the test again...and painfully paid another $160. It made me feel better to just kind of put this behind me, realize that it was absurd and that I have another shot at it. Of course I could always do worse, but seriously, is that really going to happen? At least I know I'll be totally fine with the ID thing, I know how to get to the test center, I know what's like and everything else. As long as I get up into the 1000s I'll feel confident that I have a fair shot at GW, even with a 900 I think I'd still get into George Mason, but I'm not ready to give up on GW. My friend's fiance got into GW with a GRE score in the 1000s, about 200 points below their average, we both have Peace Corps in common so I'd have the same shot as he did. Ha, get this, when registering for the test again I entered my middle name, but it wasn't there on the registration confirmation, I probably did enter it all that time ago, just forgot and or didn't pay attention that it was clearly not necessary. Unbelievable. Of course I did a lot of Internet searches for bloggers and posters who have shared the agony of really low GRE scores and their fates. Some said they got in to this school and that school, it's not that big of a deal, yada yada, it depends on what you're applying for and all that. It made me feel a little better. Since then I've been plowing through the application process and rather enjoying it, it's like I'm doing something productive.

The only other glitch I had thus far was securing a 3rd letter of recommendation for the GW application. One professor that I had counted on is now partially retired and limited herself to the number of recs she would do, I got to her too late and she told me she didn't have time. It was like a slap in the face, I took 3 International studies classes with her and she wrote me a letter of recommendation for Peace Corps. I didn't know what to do. I was lucky my other prof with whom I took my senior capstone course said yes, but I didn't know who else to ask. All of my other classes and professors were just OK, plus I didn't like 2 of them. When I thought of one I emailed him, but he never replied. Then I had no choice but to think back to my community college days, we're talking 6 and 7 years ago. So of course this is like eating away at me, I didn't understand, this was supposed to be one of the easy parts. I hate waiting on people to do these major things for me. To not have a required part of the application is a show stopper. I can't deal with that at all. I emailed a CC professor with whom I took 3 classes, got an A in all 3, told him what was up, wondered if he even remembered me, I was quiet in his classes. Two days later he still didn't respond, I know that that's not a lot of time, especially at this time of year, but I can't stand waiting for this kind of thing because it just hangs over me until I get it resolved. So towards the end of the 2nd day I just resent the email. I had a response the next morning. "I'd be happy to do it." PHEW. That's all I needed, that was the Wednesday before the 4-day Thanksgiving weekend. I did not want to simmer without a resolution to this all weekend. Didn't have to, instead I'm basking in the satisfaction that yet another part of this process is underway and getting done. I really just have to get all of the required info to my recommenders and write my Statement of Purpose, which is no small task, but I'm ready to dive into that, and then that's it. Well, in 3 weeks I'll take the GRE...again. So that brings us all up to date..wow, see what happens when I don't post for so long. This is so going to be a book one day...god knows I've already written enough to fill one. Aside from the inspiration garnered from Stuart Adamson's demand that I pick my head off the floor come up screaming right after everything I ever might have wanted, I ended up with an oddly fitting fortune from a fortune cookie..."Don't confuse a single defeat with the final defeat." The little slip of paper now hangs on my door next to my check list for the grad school applications.