Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Free of the GRE Forever, about which I am not lacrymose

PHEW!!! Holy Mother of Divine God...all I've wanted for the past 5 tortuous weeks has been to free myself of the albatross that is the GRE. The beginning of last week I had finally numbed myself to the waiting, anxiety, and stress by convincing myself that I no longer cared and that I would do no better than the first time. In fact I kept in mind that there was a great possibility that I would do worse. And that the results wouldn't really matter because I certainly have no more time to do it again and even more certainly I will not spend any more money on this ridulosity. This reverse psychology worked...at least to a certain degree. I actually slept really well for the first time in about 3 weeks and my stomach wasn't constantly twisted in knots and I was also able to stop myself from fantasizing about all of the possible outcomes of my second attempt at the test. But I guess it was the day before that my psychological defense started to crumble. I hadn't studied much in the 5 weeks since my first attempt, I figured that studying constantly from July to November was quite enough and that the score did not reflect my knowledge or ability in anyway. I was doomed right from the start due to my dreadfully painful overreaction to something stupid which resulted in a complete lack of sleep and a great deal of worry the night before. Oh well, water under the bridge. After about a week and half I was over it and simply wanted to take it again and get it out of my way.

So every so often I pulled out the vocab cards or looked at some math thing, but I didn't put that much effort in until the week before at work I slowly but surely worked my way through the practice test questions and that was it really. Test day came and I was nervous and highly anxious. I kept pounding it into my head, "you're going to get the same score or worse, it doesn't matter, you don't care anymore." But a few hours before my stomach started twisting up and my heart started to race. I finally got to the test center, I was fortunate to be able to take it at the same place so everything about it was familiar and there were no surprises. I walked in like I owned the place. I filled out the paper and all of the background info and finally started the test, the writing section was first. I'm not sure if I did any better on that part, oh well I don't care is all I kept telling myself. As I started the verbal section, which was one of 2 scores that I would get immediately following the test, my heart started race. But I just plowed through it, realizing at the very least that I had more focus and energy to concentrate than the last time. Got done with it and moved on the quantitative section, the second score that I'd receive that day. I started to panic as I realized that problem after problem was uncertain to me. I felt like I was just guessing, I didn't really know how to figure them out. I wholeheartedly believe that the practice test in the study book I used was much easier than the actual test. As hard as I was concentrating every so often the image of another devastatingly crappy score crept into my mind and blood pressure spiked to the point where I pictured my heart bursting. But I kept at it, I finally encountered problems that I was able to actually calculate and figure out, then there were some where I didn't know if my logic was correct or what but I had to just put down an answer and move on in order to have a reasonable amount time for each problem rather than having to do a blind guess on the last 5 or 6 like last time. Well, I finally made it to the end. But after that there was an experimental section for the test makers to see how we do and if they can incorporate those questions into the next year's test...or whatever. It's voluntary, I didn't want to do it but I guess it was just a way to delay the inevitable, it was verbal so I was more open to doing it. The last time it was math, I literally just clicked on answer choices, not even looking at the problems. The section was easy save the reading comprehension questions, those are no joke, and I don't like them and I had nothing left to give to the GRE at that point so I just blew through it and finished up.

The tiny span of time between just after you've completed the test and the moment your scores flash onto the screen is something like I've never experienced before. Really I think it could be used as a form torture or be considered cruel and unusual punishment. It's a torrent of emotions, relief that you've completed the 2 hour mind bender, that's not including the 30 minutes for the experimental section or the 20 minutes or so it takes to do the background stuff in the beginning, and pure anxiety. You have the option of canceling, you'll never know your score and it won't be reported to anyone. The "Report Score" button is right there waiting to be clicked. Once you do that there is a warning that if you click it again, that's it, you're done, scores will be on your test report for 5 years and every school you apply to within 5 years will see every score. Now, that's not such a big deal to me, I'm not that upset about the schools seeing my first crap score, they'll see my second decent one and perhaps think that I'm serious enough to put in the effort to do it again and I've improved greatly. But in my specific case it's not that I didn't study or take it seriously the first time, I was ready until the night before when I worked myself over worrying about whether or not I'd be allowed to take the test at all due to the lack of middle name on my online confirmation...it's all in the earlier GRE post..I can't go into again, it's embarrassing and tedious.

At this point, my heart is about to pop out of chest and looking back on it I'm not sure if my head was swirling with thoughts or devoid of them. Although I do distinctly remember mentally preparing myself for another crap score, I even wrote down some numbers on the scratch paper so I could get used to seeing some absurdly low number in a futile effort to prevent a total meltdown. But I had to click on the "Report Score" button one more time to get there. "You cannot cancel or go back once you click "report score" for the second time." Holy God, I'm scared at this point, scared. I click it and as if not willing to experience the consequences of my actions I look away, not giving into temptation to actually hide my eyes with my hands. A single second passes when the screen flashed the numbers, I knew they were up, all I had to do next to end it all was look up. I remember in that flash that I was resigned, just do it, the numbers will be the same whether you look now or 10 seconds from now. I looked, it took a second for the numbers to register in my head.

Elation.

That was one of the best moments I had in the past 2 months, probably the best one. It was over, not only was it over, but it was over in a great way. I did it. I got a decent score. By no means fantastic, but good enough to give me the certainty that I will indeed be going to grad school this Fall and for now, that will do just fine. I got home and went straight away for the study books, 4 in all, gathered them and put them out of my sight, it's funny because I know I'll never look at them again but I'm hesitant to just dump them in the trash. They've been a part of my routine for a good 6 months, and not to mention the fact that all together they cost me around $70. I did however not hesitate to toss all of the notes that I took for the quantitative section, I couldn't care less about Pi, area of circles, right triangles, ratio times X equals the volume of a sphere squared minus the square root of negative N...yikes. I couldn't tare those pages out of my notebook fast enough. But far more important and profound is that now I have a sense of peace, I worked myself up into a frenzy over this, as I tend to do in situations that I feel are crucial to my own progress. I felt like the GRE was scary and somewhat beyond my grasp, like I didn't have complete control. My undergrad record is solid, I was a successful Peace Corps volunteer, I secured letters of recommendation, and I can write a purpose statement, but the GRE was uncomfortable, I truly felt it was the one thing that could hold me back. I don't take these sorts of things lightly, grad school means everything to me now, it's my ticket out of Arizona and to the next stage of my life where I want to be doing what I want to be doing...finally. I couldn't handle the idea of some meaningless standardized test holding me back from that. But anyway, I can move on happily and get ready to submit my applications once and for all. Before yesterday I was ramming through the application process but I always had that little voice saying "hey, you still have this giant hurdle that could render all of this effort useless, 'cause if you can't manage to at least get up into the 1000's, what the hell is that going to look like?"

Lesson learned: sometimes taking things a little less seriously can be highly beneficial, especially if you're someone like me who tends to go overboard in placing major significance onto certain events. The first time I was terrified and I sucked big time, the second time I wore flip-flops, I did not check a thousand times if I had my ID, and I gave the computer a big F.U. before I started (in my head that is). Yes, I really did that, and it gave me a second's worth of satisfaction. I didn't afford this one stupid test so much control over me this time and it worked out for the better. It was a lot of mental work to do that, and it took me a long time to finally convince myself to let go a little. Now I'm not going to say that I was able to put things into a broader perspective and become at peace with the fact that the world won't end if I don't do well on the GRE or that I should feel fortunate that I even have the opportunity because so many people are disadvantaged and under privileged...yada yada yada. No, this is major for me and if I F it up I might be trapped a lot longer than I can handle. So it's a balancing act for sure, placing enough significance to motivate you to achieve something that's not within your comfort zone but not so much that you want to launch yourself off a cliff to stop the anxiety and frenzy of worry you've worked up. You know you've gone off the deep end when it keeps you up night after night and it negatively impacts the rest of your day. Something that's always worked for me when it came to somewhat less important or significant events or chores was the idea of giving myself permission to not worry about it until I could actually do something about it, so obviously in most cases letting yourself fret at 3am won't do any good because there's nothing you can do...wait until at least the crack of dawn to start worrying.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Overflowing Toilet, Poopy Butt, Tinsel, Cracker littered floor, and the GRE Blues

If the title of this post conjures up images of a nightmarish scenario it's because it is actually a nightmare, my nightmare that I have lived every day this week. And it's still not over! It's only Thursday, there's still another whole day of this drag of a week left. Yup 2 little maniacs clogged the toiled then flushed causing a tidal wave of water...toilet water into the classroom. Now, I wasn't actually in the room for this seismic event however later on while closing up I lifted the laundry basket full of towels that I pretty much assumed was from the cleanup, figured they were just damp. Umm, yeah, the toilet water that those towels were supposed to soak up actually just pooled up at the bottom of the basket and immediately gushed out all over the floor upon tilting when I picked it up...toilet water. Sigh. This episode in it of itself really isn't such a big deal, if you've worked in a preschool for just a week that is clear to you. But mix it in with the anticipation and angst of Christmas, a classroom full of maniacs on a rainy day, a floor littered with crackers, a smart 3 year old who refuses to poop anywhere other than in his pants, and a teacher that's stressing over the GRE and you've got yourself a nightmare contained neatly within a single classroom. Now, little kids don't understand the concept of time, they have no idea how long an hour is and feel that 5 minutes is painfully long. But what they do know is that Christmas is coming soon, they know that their houses will be littered with presents from a giant guy in a red suit, they know that there are parties, sugary treats, stories, and all kinds of specialness due to this exciting thing that's coming. They just don't know when exactly, the idea of December 25th is lost to them, they're lucky if they can even count to 25 or know that December is a month. All of this excitement and lack of time understanding results in something pretty close to insanity. The kids are extra hyper, they feel an extra sense of entitlement because they're doing all of these special holiday activities that are not built into their normal routines, the sparkly tinsel hanging all over the classroom is just too tempting to resist, and parents are using Santa as a disciplinary measure. "If you're not good Santa won't bring you any presents." The typical highs and lows are are higher and lower during the Christmas season. Plus, not to mention, me. I'm stressed out. Exhausted. I don't have anything left to give these kids, I don't even have any love for the good ones. All I can think about is getting the GRE over once and for all, getting rid of the study books, getting them out of my sight already, and not ever thinking about it ever again. I've been terrified that I won't do any better than last time, or worse! I think about it and experience the nervousness as if I'm actually going through it. The past few days though I've convinced myself that I won't do any better and just expect the worst, it's easier that way. I won't be nearly as crushed as I was the first time when my crap score is revealed to me as if my fate was completely contained in the significance of those 2 numbers. I think it's been working, I'm not nervous, I think I've finally numbed myself to it. All that's left is a preschool teacher devoid of patience and in charge of a group of 3 year-olds so challenging I feel sucked dry by the end of the day. I mean have you ever tried to get 10 preschoolers to stand in a line for more than 5 seconds? I'm not even talking about the straight kind, just anything that bares resemblance to a line. Or have you ever tried to put 12 3 year-olds down for a nap at the same time, 5 of whom require every bit of my focus and attention or they'd be diving off of the ceiling repeatedly? That's my life Monday through Friday. It wasn't always like this, it was great when I first started with about 8 or 9 kids who were far less challenging, as in I didn't get hit, kicked, and scratched or called "fart face" when I sat next to them to pat their back to lull them to sleep. Now, in keeping with the spirit of this blog, I'll bring it back to the fact that this is the joy of employment at a preschool. I'm employed, I hate my life right now, but I am employed. I'll complain all I'd like but I am employed. Management is well-intentioned but out of the loop, which becomes more painfully obvious by the increased frequency with which I hear, "oh you have an issue, well just problem solve your way through it, you're a professional." Well, that took some real expertise there, I can say that, maybe I'll be next line for a management position.

On top of it all we're losing one of our administrators, she's great and we get along swimmingly, but she just can't live on the measly wages they're paying her so she has to move on. Can't say that I blame her, but her last day is rapidly approaching and there hasn't been any interviewing going on for her position. Like what the F? The new teacher that's been hired to replace the one that's leaving has not left a very good impression during her one and only training week. We're all pretty convinced that she'll last maybe a week. And then the insanity continues on with the hiring of some bozo that we have no idea what her actual purpose will be. She was hired a few days before we all started our Secret Santa gift exchange and she asked to participate in it. First off, why would you want to participate in a gift exchange with people who you don't know and don't know you at all? Weird. But the kicker is that we do ours a bit differently, ours goes on for a whole week, everyday is a little tiny gift from some sort of theme. She was only scheduled to work 2 days that week because she's not really needed until after the Christmas break. So logistically it didn't make any sense. She had to make a special trip each day in order to participate in a Secret Santa for token gifts with a $1 budget. I mean seriously? She didn't even show up a few of the days so the person she had was getting ripped off. On one of the 2 days she worked she said to our boss, "Oh I'll be right back I have to run to my car to get the Secret Santa gift, 10 minutes later she didn't come back and was just gone. Again, what the F? A few days later she was helping out because we had a few people out sick and were short handed, so she came in to help me put the kids down for a nap and in order to get 2 of my maniacs to lay down she said, "I can't give you guys suckers if you don't go to sleep." First, I was so flustered by the meltdown that one of my boys was having due to being dropped off really late and not wanting to come to school just to go to sleep that I was like, sure ok whatever works. She sat with the spastic kid and calmed down by telling him the same thing, that in order to get that special treat he had to go to sleep. Then she made a point of telling me that she was going to go and get "suckers" and bring them back for the kids. I was like, "Ok, cool." When everyone was finally sleeping I opened the door to chat with the very administrator that's leaving us. It had been a while since Bozo left and was wondering if she said anything to her about coming back. Her answer was no, but it was said in such a way as to convey a sense of absurdity, like how could I be serious. That's when she told me about the running to the car thing and then disappearing. Our boss was marveling at how she managed to get everyone to sleep so quick and then it became clear how she was doing it. Another teacher said the same "tactic" was used with her kids too. Who the F does that? Ok, maybe lots of parents do, but good preschool teachers don't. We teach respect for the rules and for others by NOT rewarding them for doing things that they just should be doing and have been doing all along. We don't reward kids for going to sleep or laying quietly at rest time. They have to do that. Trust me, teaching that is hard work, but it has to be done and it's worth it. Bozo did not come back with lollipops and I had to explain to the one kid that remembered her promise that I had no idea where she was. I understand when you just say something to a kid to get them to be quiet or do what you want them to do, but she made a point of telling me she would be back with lollipops and then just didn't come back. Who knows what happened, anything is possible I suppose, but the whole thing doesn't add up. The fact that her behavior had been odd and that she has years of experience at another preschool makes her a bozo. She'll be set straight though for sure when we get into the swing of the next semester. There's no way any of us will stand for bribery in our classrooms, not happening. Not that any of us believe she's ill-intentioned but it was just so old-school and outdated, like what modern education professional still uses bribery as a technique? The not-good ones I guess.

This week has been a total drag full of kicking, hitting, scratching, biting, toilet overflowing, pooping in pants, Bozo's shenanigans, uncertainty about the new lead teacher, and of course extreme anxiety about all things grad school. I fantasize about what it'll be like to get an acceptance letter and what it might feel like to get rejected from all 3 schools. I'm tired of waiting for professors to get to my recommendation letters, I'm tired of reading my purpose statement wondering if it's good enough, I'm tired of thinking about the GRE, I'm tired of pondering my academic career and wondering if anybody in my dream school's admissions office could possibly think it's up to par with their standards. I'm so tired. Plus I'm terrified I'm going to get sick, every kid's nose is just running green, and it seems like every 5 seconds someone is coughing in my face. I just got over a stomach virus that caused me to vomit up everything I had eaten for the past week as well as another most unpleasant symptom for about 5 hours during the night and left me with a fever and pains all the next day. Kids are gross, they really are and it takes really special people to love other people's kids through it all. Yup, I'm employed and in 24 hours I'll be on a 2 week vacation...not paid of course.